It is very hard to find the beginning of this blog unless you really do some digging.
I have seen some renewed interest in it since the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge hit, so here's a link back to the beginning. I hope it helps in some way.
http://alschronicle.blogspot.com/2009/01/why-of-this-blog-and-some-background.html
Monday, August 18, 2014
Monday, October 15, 2012
"Our limited perspective, our hopes and fears become our measure of life, and when circumstances don't fit our ideas, they become our difficulties."
--Benjamin Franklin
My take: Life is what it is, don't expect it to measure up to your ideas of what it should be. Realize that you do what you can to make it better and that's all you can do. While easygoing is the goal, uptight is the result of measuring life by your own rules when Life, God or the Universe has it's own agenda for you and those around you.
--Benjamin Franklin
My take: Life is what it is, don't expect it to measure up to your ideas of what it should be. Realize that you do what you can to make it better and that's all you can do. While easygoing is the goal, uptight is the result of measuring life by your own rules when Life, God or the Universe has it's own agenda for you and those around you.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Dissapointment and forgiveness
Thinking tonight...hard to sleep. On the eve of another Walk for ALS my mind is running through things that make it hard to relax and get some rest. Have not turned to write for a long time, but maybe this can quiet the mind.
To be dissapointed in someone is to be self-centered and judgemental.
There I said it.
When someone says "They let me down." Isn't it assuming that "they" needed to be or should be holding you up in the first place?
How can we be dissapointed in someone and be anything but selfish? Do we know what they are going through on a daily basis? Have we put ourselves in their shoes and considered that they might be going through things that are much bigger to them than your problems might be?
Some words have rung in my head pretty often over the past 20 or so years since he wrote them. I would say in hard times, when I am feeling let down or dissapointed, these words run through my head only second to the words of the Lord's Prayer, so Mr. Henley, you are in pretty good company, my friend.
"There are people in your life who've come and gone. They let you down, you know they hurt your pride. You better put it all behind you baby, because LIFE goes on. You keep carrying that anger, it will eat you up inside.....baby."
And then this...
"I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, because everything changes and your friends seem to scatter, but I think it's about....forgiveness, ....forgiveness,
Even if, EVEN if, you don't love me anymore."
in a different stanza, this...
"I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, because the FLESH will get weak, and the ashes will scatter, but I think it's about, forgiveness....forgiveness. EVEN if. EVEN if, you don't love me anymore."
Powerful words, I think.
Many of us know that the ashes will scatter.
At my 40th birthday party, many of my good friends were present. I was asked to say a few words, so some thoughts that were running through my head at the time came out. Given the stage, the occasion and the company I shared, I wanted to offer something more than a trite thank you. I wanted to make my friends think. I challenged anyone to tell me one thing, anything, that was more important that Love. I gave examples of things that some might consider, Friendship, Power, Money, even Food and Water.
Friendship: What is friendship without love? Nothing. It is not true and it can't exist.
Power: What really is power? The ability to exert force? What force is more powerful than Love?
Money: What good is money without love? Worthless and wasted on shallow pursuits.
Food and water: What good is food and water without love? Sustinence wasted on a husk.
My arguments were airtight (at least they were to me after a few glasses of really good wine.)
:-)
Well, one thing that might be more important than Love is forgiveness. I don't know. That is a tough one. Maybe you can never say that one is purely more important than the other. Maybe it is the time in your life, or the circumstance of the day that would make one more important than the other. Maybe they are equally powerful or maybe they go hand in hand. One never being far from the other or even not being able to exist without the other.
Ah, pondering heavy things at 3am. let it go...now. Time to sleep. Let it go, let it be. FORGIVE.
Good night.
To be dissapointed in someone is to be self-centered and judgemental.
There I said it.
When someone says "They let me down." Isn't it assuming that "they" needed to be or should be holding you up in the first place?
How can we be dissapointed in someone and be anything but selfish? Do we know what they are going through on a daily basis? Have we put ourselves in their shoes and considered that they might be going through things that are much bigger to them than your problems might be?
Some words have rung in my head pretty often over the past 20 or so years since he wrote them. I would say in hard times, when I am feeling let down or dissapointed, these words run through my head only second to the words of the Lord's Prayer, so Mr. Henley, you are in pretty good company, my friend.
"There are people in your life who've come and gone. They let you down, you know they hurt your pride. You better put it all behind you baby, because LIFE goes on. You keep carrying that anger, it will eat you up inside.....baby."
And then this...
"I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, because everything changes and your friends seem to scatter, but I think it's about....forgiveness, ....forgiveness,
Even if, EVEN if, you don't love me anymore."
in a different stanza, this...
"I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, because the FLESH will get weak, and the ashes will scatter, but I think it's about, forgiveness....forgiveness. EVEN if. EVEN if, you don't love me anymore."
Powerful words, I think.
Many of us know that the ashes will scatter.
At my 40th birthday party, many of my good friends were present. I was asked to say a few words, so some thoughts that were running through my head at the time came out. Given the stage, the occasion and the company I shared, I wanted to offer something more than a trite thank you. I wanted to make my friends think. I challenged anyone to tell me one thing, anything, that was more important that Love. I gave examples of things that some might consider, Friendship, Power, Money, even Food and Water.
Friendship: What is friendship without love? Nothing. It is not true and it can't exist.
Power: What really is power? The ability to exert force? What force is more powerful than Love?
Money: What good is money without love? Worthless and wasted on shallow pursuits.
Food and water: What good is food and water without love? Sustinence wasted on a husk.
My arguments were airtight (at least they were to me after a few glasses of really good wine.)
:-)
Well, one thing that might be more important than Love is forgiveness. I don't know. That is a tough one. Maybe you can never say that one is purely more important than the other. Maybe it is the time in your life, or the circumstance of the day that would make one more important than the other. Maybe they are equally powerful or maybe they go hand in hand. One never being far from the other or even not being able to exist without the other.
Ah, pondering heavy things at 3am. let it go...now. Time to sleep. Let it go, let it be. FORGIVE.
Good night.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
One year ago...
The angels were already here. I could not see them, but Heidi could. She was holding on by a thread, but holding on gracefully. Her sister, Heather was on her way with baby Lucy, and she wanted to see her. Lucidity was fleeting as the narcosis had set in a few days prior due to the shallowness of her exhale. When nerves don't fire, muscles don't know what to do.
One year ago today, I lost my beautiful wife to ALS. She was amazing and strong. She loved her girls, her family, her friends and she loved me. I loved her then and for the 18 years prior. I love her still and miss her greatly. Not every moment of every day, but in the quiet times and on days like today when the fugue of time and pain is washed away by stark memories, bringing back my own fleeting lucidity about these events.
On this day last year, she could not move. Her voice was a whisper and she mostly slept. There were times when she would awaken, look past me at something only she could see. She would nod her head towards a part of the bed where no one was, and look at me as if to say, "cant you see them?" Once she said "See the baby?" I don't remember my exact words, but I said something like "No, but I believe you." And I did.
Whomever they were, whatever spirits, they were there to take her with them on that cool night this time last year. She was not afraid of them, she was not afraid to go. She was only worried about me and her girls. She was not worried about herself. This was her character, benevolent and selfless.
Heather came with Lucy sometime in the late evening. They visited with her. Heidi recognized Heather and whispered her love to her. She smiled at Lucy and watched the kids play monster games on the floor of our bedroom. Family said good night and unwittingly good bye, as her time was now measured in just hours. We did not know she would pass that night, but all of us knew the time was nearing that she would go.
In the quiet of the night, I spoke with her. I told her everything would be alright. As she lay in my arms, her breathing became shallower and shallower, almost just a sipping of air. At some point, I realized that this was going to be our last night together. I held her in my arms and my last words to her were, "Don't worry, baby, we are going to be OK. It is ok for you to go now, I love you." And she did. Within moments of me saying that, she was not breathing anymore. I kept talking with her telling her things that I knew would comfort her if she could hear them. How she had been strong, how she was so loved, how she had done everything she could to prepare all of us for life without her.
I don't know how long I lay there with her in the silence. It seemed like forever, but perception of time has a way of eluding you in moments like this. I went to tell the family she was gone. We all came together and prayed over her.
After a while, I carried her downstairs one last time and laid her on the couch, wrapped in the bed linens with only her face exposed. As the color and warmth left her, the family gathered around and read stories about butterflies and how they transform. We decided to take the girls to my mom's house and all sleep together there, and not to stay for when they came to take her away from the house. My last vision of her was a close kiss. I closed my eyes as I pulled away, knowing that vision was the last I would have of her as she lay there in peace. Her torment was done, her spirit was free to dance, and to swirl and sing silly songs off key and to wear high heels, making her taller than most men in the room.
In June earlier that year, as family came to watch over her, her sister Crystal brought her 3 month old baby with her to visit. If you knew Heidi, you knew that she loved babies. She held little Parker in her weak arms, with a huge beaming smile on her face. She looked at me and said "Bill, would you want another baby if I could give you one?" And though we had decided mutually several years prior that we were "done", I said, "Yes, baby. If you could give me one, I would."
Love works in mysterious ways. No one knows the power of it and where it begins or what it can do. All I know is that a year later, I have an amazing newborn son. A blessing that I never thought I would have. I have found new love and created a new family. These are things that Heidi would have wanted for all of us. It has not been easy, as merging families never is. Easy no. Worth it, YES.
I have been much less active in the ALS community for some time. It has been hard to engage for many reasons. Not the least of which is the aforementioned merging. On this anniversary day, I am re-engaging. ALS is a disease that needs a cure. There is promise in some drugs now, and there is always HOPE that someday, no family will have to suffer this type of loss.
Our ALS walk is coming up. If you would like to participate in person on our team the "ALS Angels" please let me know. If you would like to donate, you can do so here. If nothing else, say a prayer for all of those suffering from and with this disease. Thank you all so very much.
here's the link: http://web.alsa.org/site/TR?team_id=185637&fr_id=6693&pg=team
Peace,
Bill
One year ago today, I lost my beautiful wife to ALS. She was amazing and strong. She loved her girls, her family, her friends and she loved me. I loved her then and for the 18 years prior. I love her still and miss her greatly. Not every moment of every day, but in the quiet times and on days like today when the fugue of time and pain is washed away by stark memories, bringing back my own fleeting lucidity about these events.
On this day last year, she could not move. Her voice was a whisper and she mostly slept. There were times when she would awaken, look past me at something only she could see. She would nod her head towards a part of the bed where no one was, and look at me as if to say, "cant you see them?" Once she said "See the baby?" I don't remember my exact words, but I said something like "No, but I believe you." And I did.
Whomever they were, whatever spirits, they were there to take her with them on that cool night this time last year. She was not afraid of them, she was not afraid to go. She was only worried about me and her girls. She was not worried about herself. This was her character, benevolent and selfless.
Heather came with Lucy sometime in the late evening. They visited with her. Heidi recognized Heather and whispered her love to her. She smiled at Lucy and watched the kids play monster games on the floor of our bedroom. Family said good night and unwittingly good bye, as her time was now measured in just hours. We did not know she would pass that night, but all of us knew the time was nearing that she would go.
In the quiet of the night, I spoke with her. I told her everything would be alright. As she lay in my arms, her breathing became shallower and shallower, almost just a sipping of air. At some point, I realized that this was going to be our last night together. I held her in my arms and my last words to her were, "Don't worry, baby, we are going to be OK. It is ok for you to go now, I love you." And she did. Within moments of me saying that, she was not breathing anymore. I kept talking with her telling her things that I knew would comfort her if she could hear them. How she had been strong, how she was so loved, how she had done everything she could to prepare all of us for life without her.
I don't know how long I lay there with her in the silence. It seemed like forever, but perception of time has a way of eluding you in moments like this. I went to tell the family she was gone. We all came together and prayed over her.
After a while, I carried her downstairs one last time and laid her on the couch, wrapped in the bed linens with only her face exposed. As the color and warmth left her, the family gathered around and read stories about butterflies and how they transform. We decided to take the girls to my mom's house and all sleep together there, and not to stay for when they came to take her away from the house. My last vision of her was a close kiss. I closed my eyes as I pulled away, knowing that vision was the last I would have of her as she lay there in peace. Her torment was done, her spirit was free to dance, and to swirl and sing silly songs off key and to wear high heels, making her taller than most men in the room.
In June earlier that year, as family came to watch over her, her sister Crystal brought her 3 month old baby with her to visit. If you knew Heidi, you knew that she loved babies. She held little Parker in her weak arms, with a huge beaming smile on her face. She looked at me and said "Bill, would you want another baby if I could give you one?" And though we had decided mutually several years prior that we were "done", I said, "Yes, baby. If you could give me one, I would."
Love works in mysterious ways. No one knows the power of it and where it begins or what it can do. All I know is that a year later, I have an amazing newborn son. A blessing that I never thought I would have. I have found new love and created a new family. These are things that Heidi would have wanted for all of us. It has not been easy, as merging families never is. Easy no. Worth it, YES.
I have been much less active in the ALS community for some time. It has been hard to engage for many reasons. Not the least of which is the aforementioned merging. On this anniversary day, I am re-engaging. ALS is a disease that needs a cure. There is promise in some drugs now, and there is always HOPE that someday, no family will have to suffer this type of loss.
Our ALS walk is coming up. If you would like to participate in person on our team the "ALS Angels" please let me know. If you would like to donate, you can do so here. If nothing else, say a prayer for all of those suffering from and with this disease. Thank you all so very much.
here's the link: http://web.alsa.org/site/TR?team_id=185637&fr_id=6693&pg=team
Peace,
Bill
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
It has been a while, I know
Hi Everybody.
I have obviously decided to "privatize" my life recently. For me, most of the journey I feel like I can help with has been already documented. If you have read this blog, you know how I feel about many things. I have put my heart out there for pretty much anyone to see and left it exposed for a long time. I am not pulling any of it back, but I am deciding that it is time to re-focus my energy on the life that is in front of me and my family. If you have read my blog from back to front, then God bless you. You have seen my pain, my passion and many things that I never thought I would ever share with the world. If you read it all, you have probably felt a portion of my pain, and I have to apologize for that because it is the last thing I ever want to cause anyone.
So, this is what I feel the messages of this blog are...at least today...
1) Live your life. You never know when your existence on this planet will change forever. If you are blessed with health then for God's sake, don't waste it worrying about small issues or petty problems.
2) Love without fear. Love is a blessing. It is something that you can't buy, borrow or sell. If it comes your way, you have to accept it and do everything in your humanly power to protect and enjoy it. If you fear losing it, you will kill it. If you don't love with freedom in your heart, you will only jail yourself. If love goes away, then it wasn't love and you can't have lost it because you never had it in the first place. So what is there to fear, really?
3) Love changes. Don't expect what you feel to be the same always. Just try to feel the truth of it. Whatever it is in your heart is what it IS. Don't judge Love, just feel it. Give it back. It will take care of you and itself.
4) Be strong. It is simple to say, much harder to do. Nothing you do for yourself will ever be worth a fragment of what you do for someone else. Step up. Give. Don't Give up.
5) You are amazing. The compassion I have felt from friends, family and even complete strangers has left me speechless and humbled on so many occasions I can't even begin to describe or document them here. I remain in the debt of so many people that if I tried to even begin to repay it, I would be overwhelmed in seconds. I know you don't expect it, and all I can do is try to repay the grace that I have felt back into the universe in some small way. The messages contained within this blog are a small token of my gratitude and humility. Love flows out to you, whoever you are, from me every day.
6) ALS Sucks. It sucks worse than any disease I have ever heard of. A diagnosis of ALS is currently a death sentence. There is no treatment, there is no cure. If you have read this blog, you know what it does to those affected by it. You know what it does to their friends and families. I won't belabor those points here. I will say that we can't quit looking for a cure. The fact that so few people have it compared to other diseases is no excuse. There are no survivors of the disease to advocate for it only devastated people left trying to move on with their lives. Genetic/Familial ALS only results in about 10% of cases, so the direct threat to people related to those with ALS is even somewhat remote (by comparison.) It is not a pretty scenario. I have had to take a break, but I will not stop advocating and educating people about this horrible devastating disease that NO ONE should ever have to suffer. (Ironically, when I spellcheck my blog, ALS is not recognized as a word) :-(
God Bless You.
B.
I have obviously decided to "privatize" my life recently. For me, most of the journey I feel like I can help with has been already documented. If you have read this blog, you know how I feel about many things. I have put my heart out there for pretty much anyone to see and left it exposed for a long time. I am not pulling any of it back, but I am deciding that it is time to re-focus my energy on the life that is in front of me and my family. If you have read my blog from back to front, then God bless you. You have seen my pain, my passion and many things that I never thought I would ever share with the world. If you read it all, you have probably felt a portion of my pain, and I have to apologize for that because it is the last thing I ever want to cause anyone.
So, this is what I feel the messages of this blog are...at least today...
1) Live your life. You never know when your existence on this planet will change forever. If you are blessed with health then for God's sake, don't waste it worrying about small issues or petty problems.
2) Love without fear. Love is a blessing. It is something that you can't buy, borrow or sell. If it comes your way, you have to accept it and do everything in your humanly power to protect and enjoy it. If you fear losing it, you will kill it. If you don't love with freedom in your heart, you will only jail yourself. If love goes away, then it wasn't love and you can't have lost it because you never had it in the first place. So what is there to fear, really?
3) Love changes. Don't expect what you feel to be the same always. Just try to feel the truth of it. Whatever it is in your heart is what it IS. Don't judge Love, just feel it. Give it back. It will take care of you and itself.
4) Be strong. It is simple to say, much harder to do. Nothing you do for yourself will ever be worth a fragment of what you do for someone else. Step up. Give. Don't Give up.
5) You are amazing. The compassion I have felt from friends, family and even complete strangers has left me speechless and humbled on so many occasions I can't even begin to describe or document them here. I remain in the debt of so many people that if I tried to even begin to repay it, I would be overwhelmed in seconds. I know you don't expect it, and all I can do is try to repay the grace that I have felt back into the universe in some small way. The messages contained within this blog are a small token of my gratitude and humility. Love flows out to you, whoever you are, from me every day.
6) ALS Sucks. It sucks worse than any disease I have ever heard of. A diagnosis of ALS is currently a death sentence. There is no treatment, there is no cure. If you have read this blog, you know what it does to those affected by it. You know what it does to their friends and families. I won't belabor those points here. I will say that we can't quit looking for a cure. The fact that so few people have it compared to other diseases is no excuse. There are no survivors of the disease to advocate for it only devastated people left trying to move on with their lives. Genetic/Familial ALS only results in about 10% of cases, so the direct threat to people related to those with ALS is even somewhat remote (by comparison.) It is not a pretty scenario. I have had to take a break, but I will not stop advocating and educating people about this horrible devastating disease that NO ONE should ever have to suffer. (Ironically, when I spellcheck my blog, ALS is not recognized as a word) :-(
God Bless You.
B.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Reference to an older post
I received a note on an old post that really touched and humbled me last night.
For the record, I will say that if I had chronic Lyme disease, that I WOULD DEFINITELY follow a long term regimen of antibiotics to aggressively kill of the several forms of the disease. I do believe, though probably hundreds of hours of research, that chronic Lyme disease is a much bigger problem then the medical establishment will recognize and that many more people are suffering from it than anyone realizes. I also happen to believe that there is a connection between Lyme and things like ALS and MS and that it can be communicated via tainted blood. But then again, I'm not an MD, only someone who has been drastically and painfully forced to learn about these issues.
The biggest problem I have with Mindy is that she completely dropped us the very second that we questioned whether her treatments were helping and suggested potential other things that we had heard about. She never called back and she cancelled Heidi's prescriptions at the pharmacy she is literally directly connected to, even her anti-depressants (which is extremely dangerous, especially given that she had been involved directly and acutely aware of Heidi's extreme depression and suicidal tendencies that flashed up from time to time.) Completely inexcusable and irresponsible. To date, she has never addressed my blog, except maybe for in an anonymous post that was very suspicious to me being "pro Mindy" and chastising me for "taking people's hope away" by not recommending her.
OK. End rant, but please do review Kris' note at the bottom of the comments section here. I hope that spouses and family of those affected by these degenerative disorders do step up and to whatever they can for their loved ones.
http://alschronicle.blogspot.com/2009/02/readers-comment-and-my-response.html
Peace to you during these holidays. And Health...that would be my wish for all of you.
B
For the record, I will say that if I had chronic Lyme disease, that I WOULD DEFINITELY follow a long term regimen of antibiotics to aggressively kill of the several forms of the disease. I do believe, though probably hundreds of hours of research, that chronic Lyme disease is a much bigger problem then the medical establishment will recognize and that many more people are suffering from it than anyone realizes. I also happen to believe that there is a connection between Lyme and things like ALS and MS and that it can be communicated via tainted blood. But then again, I'm not an MD, only someone who has been drastically and painfully forced to learn about these issues.
The biggest problem I have with Mindy is that she completely dropped us the very second that we questioned whether her treatments were helping and suggested potential other things that we had heard about. She never called back and she cancelled Heidi's prescriptions at the pharmacy she is literally directly connected to, even her anti-depressants (which is extremely dangerous, especially given that she had been involved directly and acutely aware of Heidi's extreme depression and suicidal tendencies that flashed up from time to time.) Completely inexcusable and irresponsible. To date, she has never addressed my blog, except maybe for in an anonymous post that was very suspicious to me being "pro Mindy" and chastising me for "taking people's hope away" by not recommending her.
OK. End rant, but please do review Kris' note at the bottom of the comments section here. I hope that spouses and family of those affected by these degenerative disorders do step up and to whatever they can for their loved ones.
http://alschronicle.blogspot.com/2009/02/readers-comment-and-my-response.html
Peace to you during these holidays. And Health...that would be my wish for all of you.
B
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Musings on Thanksgiving
I peel myself off the white shower pan
wondering how much of the water that went down the drain is diluted by the salt from my eyes.
I shave the gray from my face and marvel at the color of my eyes in the mirror...red from beer and pain.
I look at shoulders, ripped from carrying, like my heart.
Thankful for this life
Thankful for the times I have had with my beautiful wife.
Thankful for freinds
Thankful for family
Thankful for new love and the promise of a future unwritten that mends.
Thankful for people that bring a voice to a disease with no survivors
Wondering when I will be able to speak of it again.
Wondering when the darkness of the day will lift and the stars of the night will shine again.
Yes, Thankful for this life
Sometimes ready to live it, sometimes wanting to fall back down on the shower pan and let the water flow until the tanks have gone cold.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, be there for those you love.
B.
wondering how much of the water that went down the drain is diluted by the salt from my eyes.
I shave the gray from my face and marvel at the color of my eyes in the mirror...red from beer and pain.
I look at shoulders, ripped from carrying, like my heart.
Thankful for this life
Thankful for the times I have had with my beautiful wife.
Thankful for freinds
Thankful for family
Thankful for new love and the promise of a future unwritten that mends.
Thankful for people that bring a voice to a disease with no survivors
Wondering when I will be able to speak of it again.
Wondering when the darkness of the day will lift and the stars of the night will shine again.
Yes, Thankful for this life
Sometimes ready to live it, sometimes wanting to fall back down on the shower pan and let the water flow until the tanks have gone cold.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, be there for those you love.
B.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
More amazing art...
This from my friend Kassi, who's mom died of ALS and who's sister died in a tragic car accident a few years later, in 2005. She wrote this on her sister's memorial page, I share it with her permission.
I have amazing friends...what else can I say?
=======
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
-Kassi Kosydar Figueroa
I have amazing friends...what else can I say?
=======
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
-Kassi Kosydar Figueroa
Good stuff!
A friend sent this to my mom. If we all saluted the dawn like this and lived by this "motto" the world would be a much better place.
Great stuff...
Salutation To The Dawn
Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence:
The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendor of achievement,
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is just a vision,
And today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day!
Such is the salutation to the dawn.
--Kalidasa
My message for the day...
Let go of your anger or it will consume you. I have been to the dark places and I don't ever want to go there again.
If you are there, let go or be consumed...it is your choice but I will not join you.
The time is now. This life waits for no one.
Love,
B.
Great stuff...
Salutation To The Dawn
Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence:
The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendor of achievement,
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is just a vision,
And today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day!
Such is the salutation to the dawn.
--Kalidasa
My message for the day...
Let go of your anger or it will consume you. I have been to the dark places and I don't ever want to go there again.
If you are there, let go or be consumed...it is your choice but I will not join you.
The time is now. This life waits for no one.
Love,
B.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Through it all
Through it all
Through the darkness that rolls off the mountains and bears down on my heart like a vise.
Through the opaque fog so thick that blinking eyes see only shades of gray.
Through the pain that pierces my heart and fills my eyes; white hot, lingering, then gone.
Through the throbbing ache of a thousand days of wasting muscle and fading dreams
A light shines.
It is you.
------------------
Thank you.
I love you.
=============
Bill
Through the darkness that rolls off the mountains and bears down on my heart like a vise.
Through the opaque fog so thick that blinking eyes see only shades of gray.
Through the pain that pierces my heart and fills my eyes; white hot, lingering, then gone.
Through the throbbing ache of a thousand days of wasting muscle and fading dreams
A light shines.
It is you.
------------------
Thank you.
I love you.
=============
Bill
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Letting Go...
Sorry I have been dark for a while...dealing with my feelings and just FEELING my last days in Hawaii pulled me away from sharing with all of you. The last three weeks of my life have been some of the most amazing days of it so far. If you know me, you know that there have been a disproportionate amount of amazing times, so I guarantee you that that is saying something.
Saturday the 24th of October, 2009 was a day that will live in my heart forever. It was 16 years to the day that Heidi and I were married and spoke our vows in front of family and friends. I did not spend much time planning for it, but it came together perfectly, which I sort of now have come to expect with regard to these things. Heidi and I, we ran the spectrum... for poorer or richer, in sickness and in health. These things always mean something to those that speak them but we have lived them to extremes that I hope no-one ever should. Or maybe the extremes were a blessing to us too. I don't know.
There have been SO many things that have helped me through this, some emotional, some physical and some just examples of pure love flowing our direction.
The latter of those things is immeasurable..so many people have sent sentiments and wishes, good vibes and prayers, that I can never repay them (you). People have contributed money and time to our trip and to fixing up our home so that I did not have to deal with it. Again, I can not thank you enough. I felt an enormous drive to share with you the experience we had in letting Heidi go. When we returned from the boat ride to release her ashes, I NEEDED to post the pictures and share the story as much as I could on that day, because you WERE included in the events, your spirits and well wishes were there and the positive energy that was directed toward us manifested itself in the moments that passed on that boat. I don't know how to describe it any better or differently than that.
That day was huge for me. It was the end of a long journey. I had decided it was the last day I would wear our wedding ring. It was a harder day for me than the day of the funeral when I spoke for a long time to hundreds of people. All I said before I let her ashes go in to that beautiful azure water were these words, but I could barely get them out.
"Girls, this is where your mommy and I met. This is where we fell in love and this is where she wanted to be let go. She will always be here for you, whenever you want her. She loves you very much."
We recited the Lords prayer and had a moment of silence on the water. With that, I passed her ashes to each of them and let them, if they wanted to, hug those remains. I took them, kissed them, said goodbye, opened the bag and began to pour. The plume opened up in front of us in a beautiful cascade of sunlight and contrast. The cloud made shapes and sunk in various speeds that made the patterns look almost surreal. The lightest dust floated on the surface with the flower pedals that that the girls, family and friends threw out. It was awesome.
As we slowly circled the ever expanding flower pedals, a large sea bird flew over and inspected our little flotilla. She looked at us and the flowers and made a slow circle herself. We could all feel Heidi's presence as we seemed to feel the the "OK" sign and a feeling of serenity passed over me in a way that is difficult to describe. The beauty of those moments will live in my heart forever.
Many of you have sheltered me from as much pain as you could possibly have. There is pain that no-one can take away. Pain that I, we, have to go through regardless of anything else, but that pain is productive towards a new life and I feel it every day, knowing a new life is already here in some ways. I hope you will too.
Thank you and good night.
Peace.
B.
PS, I continue to read the stories of my friends and connections dealing with ALS and my heart continues to go out to you. Be strong. I love you guys and so much know how you feel. There is some light there for you even if you can't see it today. I promise.
Saturday the 24th of October, 2009 was a day that will live in my heart forever. It was 16 years to the day that Heidi and I were married and spoke our vows in front of family and friends. I did not spend much time planning for it, but it came together perfectly, which I sort of now have come to expect with regard to these things. Heidi and I, we ran the spectrum... for poorer or richer, in sickness and in health. These things always mean something to those that speak them but we have lived them to extremes that I hope no-one ever should. Or maybe the extremes were a blessing to us too. I don't know.
There have been SO many things that have helped me through this, some emotional, some physical and some just examples of pure love flowing our direction.
The latter of those things is immeasurable..so many people have sent sentiments and wishes, good vibes and prayers, that I can never repay them (you). People have contributed money and time to our trip and to fixing up our home so that I did not have to deal with it. Again, I can not thank you enough. I felt an enormous drive to share with you the experience we had in letting Heidi go. When we returned from the boat ride to release her ashes, I NEEDED to post the pictures and share the story as much as I could on that day, because you WERE included in the events, your spirits and well wishes were there and the positive energy that was directed toward us manifested itself in the moments that passed on that boat. I don't know how to describe it any better or differently than that.
That day was huge for me. It was the end of a long journey. I had decided it was the last day I would wear our wedding ring. It was a harder day for me than the day of the funeral when I spoke for a long time to hundreds of people. All I said before I let her ashes go in to that beautiful azure water were these words, but I could barely get them out.
"Girls, this is where your mommy and I met. This is where we fell in love and this is where she wanted to be let go. She will always be here for you, whenever you want her. She loves you very much."
We recited the Lords prayer and had a moment of silence on the water. With that, I passed her ashes to each of them and let them, if they wanted to, hug those remains. I took them, kissed them, said goodbye, opened the bag and began to pour. The plume opened up in front of us in a beautiful cascade of sunlight and contrast. The cloud made shapes and sunk in various speeds that made the patterns look almost surreal. The lightest dust floated on the surface with the flower pedals that that the girls, family and friends threw out. It was awesome.
As we slowly circled the ever expanding flower pedals, a large sea bird flew over and inspected our little flotilla. She looked at us and the flowers and made a slow circle herself. We could all feel Heidi's presence as we seemed to feel the the "OK" sign and a feeling of serenity passed over me in a way that is difficult to describe. The beauty of those moments will live in my heart forever.
Many of you have sheltered me from as much pain as you could possibly have. There is pain that no-one can take away. Pain that I, we, have to go through regardless of anything else, but that pain is productive towards a new life and I feel it every day, knowing a new life is already here in some ways. I hope you will too.
Thank you and good night.
Peace.
B.
PS, I continue to read the stories of my friends and connections dealing with ALS and my heart continues to go out to you. Be strong. I love you guys and so much know how you feel. There is some light there for you even if you can't see it today. I promise.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Deleted post...
As I suspected, I deleted my angry post.
If you saw it, I hope I didn't offend you.
If you didn't, I'm glad.
A momentary lapse of reason in a time of pain.
I apologize.
B.
If you saw it, I hope I didn't offend you.
If you didn't, I'm glad.
A momentary lapse of reason in a time of pain.
I apologize.
B.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Update on the Hawaii blog
Hi all, there are a few updates on the Hawaii blog along with some photos from our trip.
Since a lot more people follow this one than that, I thought I'd let you know!
http://sedgtrip.blogspot.com/
Aloha!
Bill
Since a lot more people follow this one than that, I thought I'd let you know!
http://sedgtrip.blogspot.com/
Aloha!
Bill
Monday, October 19, 2009
Hawaii Trip....
Hi Everybody,
As you probably know, my blogging life started when we took a family trip to Hawaii January - March of 07. It was incredible.
Heidi's wishes were to be set free here on Oahu, and so we have returned here to our beach house with her remains and will be doing that next weekend. I am going to re-visit the Hawaii blog this week rather than posting here.
If you would like to follow this little journey, then I welcome you to click on this link.
See you over there!
http://sedgtrip.blogspot.com
Peace,
B.
As you probably know, my blogging life started when we took a family trip to Hawaii January - March of 07. It was incredible.
Heidi's wishes were to be set free here on Oahu, and so we have returned here to our beach house with her remains and will be doing that next weekend. I am going to re-visit the Hawaii blog this week rather than posting here.
If you would like to follow this little journey, then I welcome you to click on this link.
See you over there!
http://sedgtrip.blogspot.com
Peace,
B.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Another amazing story...and a "Beautiful Life" in song
So, things keep happening that are awesome and amazing and special to us. About a week ago or so, my brother in law John posted a link to a song from a singer/songwriter that went to our school in Germany back in the 80's. I know that John has good taste in music and the song was called "Beautiful Life" which also struck me as relevant, so I clicked on the link.
As I watched the video for the song, I began to feel some pretty raw emotions coming through. I could feel the heart of the artist in her voice, I could hear the sincerity in her performance and I could immediately relate to the lyrics. The outpouring of emotion that I had was perfect for the time. This was only about a week or so after Heidi had passed and I was struggling a bit.
I re-posted and shared the link to her video on Facebook and figured that was the end of it. Well, since then, Jennifer Appelquist has reached out to me to tell me the story of her song. It is a great story and so touching to me. I figure that it will also be to some of you, so wanted to share it again here, along with her story so you can relate to it now the way I do.
Here is her note to me from earlier today.
=======begin Jennifer's Note======snip=====
So..beautiful life..the song..I felt I had to share because your experience is so close to the essence of why I wrote it..here it goes..
I have played music with a friend by name of Aaron, for over 10 years who lost his mother to cancer at 15. I never met her but even so she has touched my life in many ways. Aaron's father gave me a silk shawl as a Christmas present few years back that belonged to Tamara (Aaron's mom). It was a beautiful gift and one evening I was at home alone sitting at the piano lights off candles lit, and I threw on the shawl just because...
What proceeded to happen was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had songwriting. I literally felt like a vessel for her story. I thought about them and their love for each other as husband and wife, I thought about them dancing and laughing at a much more innocent time in their life..I thought of the pain involved in losing each other but the celebration of their love and beautiful life together.
I almost don't even feel like I wrote the song, it came with such ease and perfection both lyrically and musically, .. I feel like she spoke her story through me and I am so grateful for it.
She had this amazing red hair and lines like "he looked for her in everything pure and when shades of red filled the sky, he thinks that's her way of saying hey babe, I miss you up here tonight" just flowed..as did "she left this world like a butterfly girl in search of colors divine."
Anyway, I am not sure why I felt like sharing the back story, as I don't know you personally or your story except through your beautiful blog and the lovely John T, but perhaps this is part divine intervention and perhaps her way of saying "hey babe" to you :-)
It is a bittersweet song and I am honored that it has touched you. Listen to it as often as you like.
=====snip====end Jennifer's note to me========
I asked for and received her permission to post her note and a link to the song. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do. If you know me, you know that I love music, especially live, original music. I have always supported the art and I hope you will share her music with those that you care about. The best thing for a musician is to be able to make a living doing the thing that they love to do and have been gifted with. I believe that Jennifer is gifted, and I hope she will be able to do this for her own beautiful life and make her living doing it.
Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrMup0Ynx5g
All the best...more from Hawaii.
Peace,
Bill
As I watched the video for the song, I began to feel some pretty raw emotions coming through. I could feel the heart of the artist in her voice, I could hear the sincerity in her performance and I could immediately relate to the lyrics. The outpouring of emotion that I had was perfect for the time. This was only about a week or so after Heidi had passed and I was struggling a bit.
I re-posted and shared the link to her video on Facebook and figured that was the end of it. Well, since then, Jennifer Appelquist has reached out to me to tell me the story of her song. It is a great story and so touching to me. I figure that it will also be to some of you, so wanted to share it again here, along with her story so you can relate to it now the way I do.
Here is her note to me from earlier today.
=======begin Jennifer's Note======snip=====
So..beautiful life..the song..I felt I had to share because your experience is so close to the essence of why I wrote it..here it goes..
I have played music with a friend by name of Aaron, for over 10 years who lost his mother to cancer at 15. I never met her but even so she has touched my life in many ways. Aaron's father gave me a silk shawl as a Christmas present few years back that belonged to Tamara (Aaron's mom). It was a beautiful gift and one evening I was at home alone sitting at the piano lights off candles lit, and I threw on the shawl just because...
What proceeded to happen was one of the most amazing experiences I've ever had songwriting. I literally felt like a vessel for her story. I thought about them and their love for each other as husband and wife, I thought about them dancing and laughing at a much more innocent time in their life..I thought of the pain involved in losing each other but the celebration of their love and beautiful life together.
I almost don't even feel like I wrote the song, it came with such ease and perfection both lyrically and musically, .. I feel like she spoke her story through me and I am so grateful for it.
She had this amazing red hair and lines like "he looked for her in everything pure and when shades of red filled the sky, he thinks that's her way of saying hey babe, I miss you up here tonight" just flowed..as did "she left this world like a butterfly girl in search of colors divine."
Anyway, I am not sure why I felt like sharing the back story, as I don't know you personally or your story except through your beautiful blog and the lovely John T, but perhaps this is part divine intervention and perhaps her way of saying "hey babe" to you :-)
It is a bittersweet song and I am honored that it has touched you. Listen to it as often as you like.
=====snip====end Jennifer's note to me========
I asked for and received her permission to post her note and a link to the song. I hope you will enjoy it as much as I do. If you know me, you know that I love music, especially live, original music. I have always supported the art and I hope you will share her music with those that you care about. The best thing for a musician is to be able to make a living doing the thing that they love to do and have been gifted with. I believe that Jennifer is gifted, and I hope she will be able to do this for her own beautiful life and make her living doing it.
Here's the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrMup0Ynx5g
All the best...more from Hawaii.
Peace,
Bill
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Fear and Parenthood
Fear is an interesting thing. A while ago, I said "Fear seems to have left me." Which is mostly true. It's not like I have shrunk from challenge in my life because of fear, but certainly there has been some level of it smoldering under my decision making canopy over the years, whether it be professionally or personally. Sometimes fear is healthy, sometimes it is good. Sometimes it can be extremely destructive or at least counterproductive.
Over the past couple of years, I have made a conscious decision to "not fear anything." At least not for more than a brief period of time, which may be considered terror anyhow, not fear. In the face of certain loss, you realize that fear is generally counterproductive. In the face of death, you realize that fear is useless.
As I pondered my recent trip to see U2 in Atlanta, a bit of fear snuck in...what if...a plane crash, a car crash...something bad might happen and then where would the girls be? Well, you can either be paralyzed by these types of thoughts or you can feel them and then let them go.
None of us knows when our time is up. I'm not saying I will live my life recklessly, for I know I have more responsibility now than ever, but nor will I shrink from opportunity, adventure, productivity or life in general because I fear a possible future.
As you probably know by now, I went to Atlanta, I spent good quality time with great friends, had a fortunate meeting on the plane with an ex hospice grief counselor and learned some great ideas, went to cool places, got in the Georgia Dome with 90,000 like-minded fans, got a pass to get on the floor (Fedexed in from one of Heidi's dear friends from college) and when U2 opened up, I was 20 feet from the stage. I held my arm up in the air with "4 Heidi" scrawled on it and cried during Walk On. By myself, yet surrounded, I felt somehow comforted in the throng of humanity and the warmth of the message that the song provides.
The Girls and I are all going to Hawaii. We will take Heidi with us and we will let her go where she wanted. A lot of you have contributed to this journey and we will live it. We will love it for whatever it is, and I will write about it too, so you can share it with us. We continue to thank you and to be thankful for you.
Peace,
B.
Over the past couple of years, I have made a conscious decision to "not fear anything." At least not for more than a brief period of time, which may be considered terror anyhow, not fear. In the face of certain loss, you realize that fear is generally counterproductive. In the face of death, you realize that fear is useless.
As I pondered my recent trip to see U2 in Atlanta, a bit of fear snuck in...what if...a plane crash, a car crash...something bad might happen and then where would the girls be? Well, you can either be paralyzed by these types of thoughts or you can feel them and then let them go.
None of us knows when our time is up. I'm not saying I will live my life recklessly, for I know I have more responsibility now than ever, but nor will I shrink from opportunity, adventure, productivity or life in general because I fear a possible future.
As you probably know by now, I went to Atlanta, I spent good quality time with great friends, had a fortunate meeting on the plane with an ex hospice grief counselor and learned some great ideas, went to cool places, got in the Georgia Dome with 90,000 like-minded fans, got a pass to get on the floor (Fedexed in from one of Heidi's dear friends from college) and when U2 opened up, I was 20 feet from the stage. I held my arm up in the air with "4 Heidi" scrawled on it and cried during Walk On. By myself, yet surrounded, I felt somehow comforted in the throng of humanity and the warmth of the message that the song provides.
The Girls and I are all going to Hawaii. We will take Heidi with us and we will let her go where she wanted. A lot of you have contributed to this journey and we will live it. We will love it for whatever it is, and I will write about it too, so you can share it with us. We continue to thank you and to be thankful for you.
Peace,
B.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
A prayer from the heart....
No matter how strong your faith, you can always hope for a sign...a sign that someone is there, a sign that they are in a better place, a sign that they are with you in spirit...
The scene is dinner last night at the kitchen table. Myself, the Girls, Uncle Clyde and Grand Pop. A few days ago I taped some of Heidi's photo cards from the funeral services together to make a circle of her photos around a small sunflower arrangement on our table. this circle is flanked by candles to light up her beautiful face.
Jillian (8 y.o) asked to say "the pray" (grace) before dinner and so she got the honor. She said "Dear God, If I could just have a sign that Mommy is in a better place." This simple prayer left me somewhat astounded, as it was sort of out of the blue for her. She had not spoken with me about signs or directly about any of the events that we have been talking about around here. Clearly, she has overheard some of us talking over the past few days about "coincidences vs. Godincidences", as my Dad likes to call them.
After the prayer I told her...they are all around us Jilli, you just have to keep your eyes and your mind open.
Well, about halfway through dinner, one of the lit candles began to spark up 2, 3, 4, 5 inches and flicker. Just like that...no wind, the other candle was perfectly still, yet the candle closest to Jillian began to shimmer, flash and dance, more like a firework than a candle. Jillian looked at it and with a huge smile on her face, said "Hi Mommy."
We all did. It turned from a candle in to a beacon of hope and faith in that moment, and then just as quickly, back into a candle. It was a beautiful moment, and too me, it shows the power of a prayer from the heart. This time, a little girl looking for a small token of hope or a re-inforcement of faith...asking a simple request of a wonderful God full of Love and Compassion, who does not overlook the details and does have a "perfect plan."
Thank you God, for I am human too.
Peace.
B.
The scene is dinner last night at the kitchen table. Myself, the Girls, Uncle Clyde and Grand Pop. A few days ago I taped some of Heidi's photo cards from the funeral services together to make a circle of her photos around a small sunflower arrangement on our table. this circle is flanked by candles to light up her beautiful face.
Jillian (8 y.o) asked to say "the pray" (grace) before dinner and so she got the honor. She said "Dear God, If I could just have a sign that Mommy is in a better place." This simple prayer left me somewhat astounded, as it was sort of out of the blue for her. She had not spoken with me about signs or directly about any of the events that we have been talking about around here. Clearly, she has overheard some of us talking over the past few days about "coincidences vs. Godincidences", as my Dad likes to call them.
After the prayer I told her...they are all around us Jilli, you just have to keep your eyes and your mind open.
Well, about halfway through dinner, one of the lit candles began to spark up 2, 3, 4, 5 inches and flicker. Just like that...no wind, the other candle was perfectly still, yet the candle closest to Jillian began to shimmer, flash and dance, more like a firework than a candle. Jillian looked at it and with a huge smile on her face, said "Hi Mommy."
We all did. It turned from a candle in to a beacon of hope and faith in that moment, and then just as quickly, back into a candle. It was a beautiful moment, and too me, it shows the power of a prayer from the heart. This time, a little girl looking for a small token of hope or a re-inforcement of faith...asking a simple request of a wonderful God full of Love and Compassion, who does not overlook the details and does have a "perfect plan."
Thank you God, for I am human too.
Peace.
B.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
An Anecdote from last week.
Hi Everyone.
I just wanted to share a story from last Monday night. Heidi was a beautiful, fun loving, strong, strong, strong woman. She fought until the day she died.
For the better part of a week before she died, she was in and out of lucidity. She would be coherent one minute and incoherent the next and as the week went on, she was spending less and less time with us. On the night before she died, I had the news on in our room with the volume low to help her take her mind off our immediate situation, and Heidi always scoured the news for any kind of hope. A piece came on the news about a "Flu Shot Soup." Which was a Vietnamese restaurant's culinary answer to the flu season here. In Heidi's mind, this story was a story about a just announced cure for ALS.
She did not hear the actual story, rather the story she desperately wanted to hear. She looked at me clear as day and in a strong voice said "Bill, call Amy, tell her that they found a cure. (*Amy was Heidi's Hospice Nurse*) SIT ME UP! THIS IS BIG, MY LIFE IS ON THE LINE." Lisa and I looked at each other, thinking the same thing..."What is she talking about???"
I realized she was watching the News, so I went to 9News.com to find the story that had roused her so. In the mean time, we called Amy and got her voice mail. I am sure it is a very strange voicemail. Heidi had not spoken that clearly all week except for just a few times when she was agitated. Once I found the story link on 9News.com I played it and asked Heidi if that was the story she had seen. She looked sad, nodded and fell back into her "other place." She died the next night.
I just wanted you to know that she never never never gave up.
I just wanted to share a story from last Monday night. Heidi was a beautiful, fun loving, strong, strong, strong woman. She fought until the day she died.
For the better part of a week before she died, she was in and out of lucidity. She would be coherent one minute and incoherent the next and as the week went on, she was spending less and less time with us. On the night before she died, I had the news on in our room with the volume low to help her take her mind off our immediate situation, and Heidi always scoured the news for any kind of hope. A piece came on the news about a "Flu Shot Soup." Which was a Vietnamese restaurant's culinary answer to the flu season here. In Heidi's mind, this story was a story about a just announced cure for ALS.
She did not hear the actual story, rather the story she desperately wanted to hear. She looked at me clear as day and in a strong voice said "Bill, call Amy, tell her that they found a cure. (*Amy was Heidi's Hospice Nurse*) SIT ME UP! THIS IS BIG, MY LIFE IS ON THE LINE." Lisa and I looked at each other, thinking the same thing..."What is she talking about???"
I realized she was watching the News, so I went to 9News.com to find the story that had roused her so. In the mean time, we called Amy and got her voice mail. I am sure it is a very strange voicemail. Heidi had not spoken that clearly all week except for just a few times when she was agitated. Once I found the story link on 9News.com I played it and asked Heidi if that was the story she had seen. She looked sad, nodded and fell back into her "other place." She died the next night.
I just wanted you to know that she never never never gave up.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
My Eulogy...
All, below is the eulogy that I gave yesterday for my beautiful Heidi.
A couple of notes: I have not slept well in days. I think prior to this, over the past 4 nights, I actually slept about 8 hours total. It wasn't because I didn't try, I just kept waking up and thinking about things...especially this Eulogy. How was I going to do this? Where was I going to get the strength?
I have tried to capture it with some notes inserted for you to get a better sense of the atmosphere, but I can't really tell you what it was like from the pews...
In any regard, please read this with love in your heart. We do have video of this and I hope, at some point, to post it on this blog so you can see it as well, but for now, just read it and know we love you.
Peace,
B.
====== Begin Eulogy =====
Bill: “I wrote on the top of my paper this morning “This is a celebration, SMILE!!!” with a big smiley face….”
I have something prepared, but I would like to revisit yesterday’s service for just a couple of minutes:
(Bring the girls on stage… )
“My girls, you Inspired me yesterday with your strength, please come up here for a couple of minutes…
“Everyone, Heidi, the girls would like to tell you something…”
Girls: “This is something we wrote with our mom…”Sedgwick Sisters we are Three, together friends we’ll always be.”
Bill: “Heidi’s mom “Nana” is sick and could not be here today and we know it breaks her heart”
Girls (look at the camera by the baptismal fount): “Nana, we love you, and we miss you.”
Bill: “OK, girls, you have lost your mommy, but remember last night, all those wonderful ladies that came up here to speak? They are all great mommies, and they will always be there for you.
Now, let’s try something. … I bet there are a lot of people here who would also be there for you if you need them. Let’s see… if we ask only the people in this congregation that would be there for you if you need them to clap, what do you think would happen? Do you think anyone would clap?
(I raise my hands to the group…All 500 or so people in the congregation clap resoundingly. Wow, but as if I expected any less.)
Bill: “Ok girls, go sit down, I Love you.”
Jenny: I was inspired by your comments last night too, but I would look ridiculous in sparkly high heels up here, so forgive me.
(The crowd laughs again, Thank God.)
Every good business man has a plan B. A couple of days ago, I asked my buddy George Hartshorne that if for some reason I could not do this, if he would come up here, bail me out, and finish this. George, I love you brother, but I will give you the day off. … Instead, I will do what I have always done which is draw my strength from you all. ===pause=== I have been over this material several times and I know there are some hard spots for me. If I need to take a moment, I would ask you to clap your support and just give me a few. I know I can recover quickly now. I also know that I don’t want to just “get through this”. I want this to be special and I know now…. that no one can do this for me.
So here we go…
If you know me, you know the suit was Heidi’s idea. I would have been up here in boardshorts, sandals and a T-shirt… probably something with a big fish on it. She’s been asking me to get a new suit for several months, I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I knew why she wanted me to, so I waited…
===Long Pause===
(The crowd laughs…thank God.)
I know what Heidi would say if she were here in person right now. She would have thought about all of you and she would have said…
“Bill, It’s 11 am on a Saturday during soccer season…did you really schedule this right now?”
(The Crowd laughs, Thank God.)
==Take a deep Breath==
To which I would try and say something charming like “Honey, I was only thinking of you” But I would actually say “Honey, at least I got the suit.”
(Bill raises his hands and looks to the sky)
“Really, I am not going to spend my time up here talking about Heidi and what a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, caring, funny, amazing, strong, fantastic, loving, passionate, genuine, gracious, stupendous, incredible, generous, supercalifragalistic woman she was. That would be too hard…
See how I snuck that in there, it was the only way that I could have done that…..
==Take a deep breath== (The Crowd Claps)
No, What I will do today is offer you thanks. Thanks for all the meals, the time, the prayers, the friendship, the love… most of all, the Love. It is what Heidi would have wanted me to do today.
And she would have wanted me to give you something back, a token of our gratitude, something that will lift your heart today. So that is what I want to do with my next words.
====Take a Deep Breath!====
I want to try to answer a couple of questions for you, questions that have been on all of our minds for the better part of 3 years now.
The first question is “Where is OUR miracle?”
Well, you probably know that in April of 2006, on the day of Jillians 5th birthday party, three and a half years ago now, Heidi had emergency surgery because she had lost half of her blood internally due to an ectopic pregnancy. When they took her away on the hospital gurney that day, things did not look good. I did not think I would ever see her again. In that moment, I prayed to God from my heart. “God, please don’t take her now.” I asked. And though I did not know it at the time, and of course you did not know it at the time, I bet that I prayed that request of God for all of you too.
Four days and several complications later, MIRACULOUSLY, we were on our way home.
So, where is our miracle? We got it. We got three and a half “bonus” years with Heidi, over a thousand days. Our Friend Kathy Murphy gave us a plaque a couple of months ago that Heidi loved, it has a prominent place on our mantle and it says ‘Each Day is a Gift.’ We received over a thousand gifts from God.
We received time to go to Hawaii, a place that she dearly loved, with our girls. We received time to ski, time to hike. Later, we received time to sit and talk, time to hold on to each other, time to sit in her lap or have her sit in ours, time to love. For her most of all, we received time for Jillian to grow from 5 to 8; Rachel to grow from 6 to 10 and Shelby to grow from 9 to “almost 12.”
I know it sounds strange that we all prayed for a miracle after we actually already had received it but I believe it is true and I hope you will too.
====Take a Deep Breath====
So, this leads me to the next question I hope to, in some way, answer for you.
“WHY?” “Why did this have to happen to our Heidi?”
Well, here’s what I believe. God knows better than we do what was best for Heidi. God has a plan and God’s plan is perfect. That there was something else, something more important for Heidi’s spirit to do than hang out here, with all of us. I have faith in that and it has comforted me.
A lot of times, this is a tough one for us humans to grab on to and we think about it a little more. What could possibly be more important than Heidi being here with us???
Well in the spirit of giving you something back, please allow me to “go there” for a couple of minutes.
First, as I thought about this, I remembered that God’s plan is perfect. Maybe God knew that the best place for Heidi to watch over and help her Girls was from heaven, not from here. Maybe she will be more powerful for them as a mom up there than she ever could have been here. This thought gave me comfort then and it still does. I hope it will do the same for you.
====Big Pause…The crowd claps…..===Take A Deep breath=====
“Ok, this is a tough one….
Second, Heidi thought about this too. She thought A LOT about it. One night, not very long ago, she told me something that made me smile and lifted my heart. Now, bear with me for one moment while I say that Heidi was an AMAZING mother to her babies. She went through labor with no help from drugs, she nursed them for a very long time, she protected them from harm and provided for them everything that they could ever want or need. She made this the true focus of her life and she was simply an incredible mother.
That night she said to me, “You know, babies die too sometimes. Think of all the babies in heaven that need help. Maybe God needs me in heaven to take care of all those babies that are up there.”
This thought comforted her in her darkest hours and I know that she would hope that it will comfort you as well.
These are just two possibilities. We can’t ever really know God’s perfect plan, but we can at least wrap our brains around some beautiful possibilities.
So, let’s leave here today with our hearts lifted, knowing that Heidi is free now to do the things that she wanted to do and let us be thankful for the “bonus time” we had with her. Time to do all those things and share all those thoughts and make memories that we never would have had a chance for. Let’s picture her more powerful than ever, looking down over us and especially her Girls. Let’s picture her loving spirit in heaven taking care of babies that need her. Let’s know that God knows better than us what was right for her spirit.
=====Take a Deep Breath=====
Let’s live our lives every day, thankful, strong and to its fullest.
It is what Heidi...
Heidi your friend,
your daughter,
your cousin,
your sister,
your mom,
It’s what Heidi, MY LOVE, would have wanted.
Once again, Thank You, and God Bless You.
A couple of notes: I have not slept well in days. I think prior to this, over the past 4 nights, I actually slept about 8 hours total. It wasn't because I didn't try, I just kept waking up and thinking about things...especially this Eulogy. How was I going to do this? Where was I going to get the strength?
I have tried to capture it with some notes inserted for you to get a better sense of the atmosphere, but I can't really tell you what it was like from the pews...
In any regard, please read this with love in your heart. We do have video of this and I hope, at some point, to post it on this blog so you can see it as well, but for now, just read it and know we love you.
Peace,
B.
====== Begin Eulogy =====
Bill: “I wrote on the top of my paper this morning “This is a celebration, SMILE!!!” with a big smiley face….”
I have something prepared, but I would like to revisit yesterday’s service for just a couple of minutes:
(Bring the girls on stage… )
“My girls, you Inspired me yesterday with your strength, please come up here for a couple of minutes…
“Everyone, Heidi, the girls would like to tell you something…”
Girls: “This is something we wrote with our mom…”Sedgwick Sisters we are Three, together friends we’ll always be.”
Bill: “Heidi’s mom “Nana” is sick and could not be here today and we know it breaks her heart”
Girls (look at the camera by the baptismal fount): “Nana, we love you, and we miss you.”
Bill: “OK, girls, you have lost your mommy, but remember last night, all those wonderful ladies that came up here to speak? They are all great mommies, and they will always be there for you.
Now, let’s try something. … I bet there are a lot of people here who would also be there for you if you need them. Let’s see… if we ask only the people in this congregation that would be there for you if you need them to clap, what do you think would happen? Do you think anyone would clap?
(I raise my hands to the group…All 500 or so people in the congregation clap resoundingly. Wow, but as if I expected any less.)
Bill: “Ok girls, go sit down, I Love you.”
Jenny: I was inspired by your comments last night too, but I would look ridiculous in sparkly high heels up here, so forgive me.
(The crowd laughs again, Thank God.)
Every good business man has a plan B. A couple of days ago, I asked my buddy George Hartshorne that if for some reason I could not do this, if he would come up here, bail me out, and finish this. George, I love you brother, but I will give you the day off. … Instead, I will do what I have always done which is draw my strength from you all. ===pause=== I have been over this material several times and I know there are some hard spots for me. If I need to take a moment, I would ask you to clap your support and just give me a few. I know I can recover quickly now. I also know that I don’t want to just “get through this”. I want this to be special and I know now…. that no one can do this for me.
So here we go…
If you know me, you know the suit was Heidi’s idea. I would have been up here in boardshorts, sandals and a T-shirt… probably something with a big fish on it. She’s been asking me to get a new suit for several months, I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I knew why she wanted me to, so I waited…
===Long Pause===
(The crowd laughs…thank God.)
I know what Heidi would say if she were here in person right now. She would have thought about all of you and she would have said…
“Bill, It’s 11 am on a Saturday during soccer season…did you really schedule this right now?”
(The Crowd laughs, Thank God.)
==Take a deep Breath==
To which I would try and say something charming like “Honey, I was only thinking of you” But I would actually say “Honey, at least I got the suit.”
(Bill raises his hands and looks to the sky)
“Really, I am not going to spend my time up here talking about Heidi and what a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, caring, funny, amazing, strong, fantastic, loving, passionate, genuine, gracious, stupendous, incredible, generous, supercalifragalistic woman she was. That would be too hard…
See how I snuck that in there, it was the only way that I could have done that…..
==Take a deep breath== (The Crowd Claps)
No, What I will do today is offer you thanks. Thanks for all the meals, the time, the prayers, the friendship, the love… most of all, the Love. It is what Heidi would have wanted me to do today.
And she would have wanted me to give you something back, a token of our gratitude, something that will lift your heart today. So that is what I want to do with my next words.
====Take a Deep Breath!====
I want to try to answer a couple of questions for you, questions that have been on all of our minds for the better part of 3 years now.
The first question is “Where is OUR miracle?”
Well, you probably know that in April of 2006, on the day of Jillians 5th birthday party, three and a half years ago now, Heidi had emergency surgery because she had lost half of her blood internally due to an ectopic pregnancy. When they took her away on the hospital gurney that day, things did not look good. I did not think I would ever see her again. In that moment, I prayed to God from my heart. “God, please don’t take her now.” I asked. And though I did not know it at the time, and of course you did not know it at the time, I bet that I prayed that request of God for all of you too.
Four days and several complications later, MIRACULOUSLY, we were on our way home.
So, where is our miracle? We got it. We got three and a half “bonus” years with Heidi, over a thousand days. Our Friend Kathy Murphy gave us a plaque a couple of months ago that Heidi loved, it has a prominent place on our mantle and it says ‘Each Day is a Gift.’ We received over a thousand gifts from God.
We received time to go to Hawaii, a place that she dearly loved, with our girls. We received time to ski, time to hike. Later, we received time to sit and talk, time to hold on to each other, time to sit in her lap or have her sit in ours, time to love. For her most of all, we received time for Jillian to grow from 5 to 8; Rachel to grow from 6 to 10 and Shelby to grow from 9 to “almost 12.”
I know it sounds strange that we all prayed for a miracle after we actually already had received it but I believe it is true and I hope you will too.
====Take a Deep Breath====
So, this leads me to the next question I hope to, in some way, answer for you.
“WHY?” “Why did this have to happen to our Heidi?”
Well, here’s what I believe. God knows better than we do what was best for Heidi. God has a plan and God’s plan is perfect. That there was something else, something more important for Heidi’s spirit to do than hang out here, with all of us. I have faith in that and it has comforted me.
A lot of times, this is a tough one for us humans to grab on to and we think about it a little more. What could possibly be more important than Heidi being here with us???
Well in the spirit of giving you something back, please allow me to “go there” for a couple of minutes.
First, as I thought about this, I remembered that God’s plan is perfect. Maybe God knew that the best place for Heidi to watch over and help her Girls was from heaven, not from here. Maybe she will be more powerful for them as a mom up there than she ever could have been here. This thought gave me comfort then and it still does. I hope it will do the same for you.
====Big Pause…The crowd claps…..===Take A Deep breath=====
“Ok, this is a tough one….
Second, Heidi thought about this too. She thought A LOT about it. One night, not very long ago, she told me something that made me smile and lifted my heart. Now, bear with me for one moment while I say that Heidi was an AMAZING mother to her babies. She went through labor with no help from drugs, she nursed them for a very long time, she protected them from harm and provided for them everything that they could ever want or need. She made this the true focus of her life and she was simply an incredible mother.
That night she said to me, “You know, babies die too sometimes. Think of all the babies in heaven that need help. Maybe God needs me in heaven to take care of all those babies that are up there.”
This thought comforted her in her darkest hours and I know that she would hope that it will comfort you as well.
These are just two possibilities. We can’t ever really know God’s perfect plan, but we can at least wrap our brains around some beautiful possibilities.
So, let’s leave here today with our hearts lifted, knowing that Heidi is free now to do the things that she wanted to do and let us be thankful for the “bonus time” we had with her. Time to do all those things and share all those thoughts and make memories that we never would have had a chance for. Let’s picture her more powerful than ever, looking down over us and especially her Girls. Let’s picture her loving spirit in heaven taking care of babies that need her. Let’s know that God knows better than us what was right for her spirit.
=====Take a Deep Breath=====
Let’s live our lives every day, thankful, strong and to its fullest.
It is what Heidi...
Heidi your friend,
your daughter,
your cousin,
your sister,
your mom,
It’s what Heidi, MY LOVE, would have wanted.
Once again, Thank You, and God Bless You.
Oma's words...
I will post my eulogy later today, but the words that follow are Oma's (my mom's) from the Friday service.
Although some people say I'm good at many things like painting, coaching the children in tennis, writing and reading, cooking for the family.. and having Heidi eat for me.., I cannot speak tonight. Luckily I have very able sons.
Heidi Bug was a daughter I never had..she was smart, for example getting her masters, CPA and almost having Shelby at the same time. Heidi was always thinking of others..For example..She wanted me to get special flowers for her dear friend Kate. I showed them to her in her bed this Tuesday afternoon, although she was very, very weak, she smiled and said, "Thank you, Oma "...her last words to me.
Besides thinking of others, Heidi was Sporty too..playing tennis in the sunlight...Fun Loving...Dancing to Hawaiian music and planning Rachel's Hawaiian Birthday Party...But most of all, Heidi Bug was Caring..CARING for my wonderful son Bill and CARING for her lovely daughters, Shelby, Rachel and Jillian. Opa and I have good memories of Heidi..tennis, ski trips, painting, working together around the house. We will certainly miss her smile and cheerful attitude. We loved her very much. Oma and Opa
Although some people say I'm good at many things like painting, coaching the children in tennis, writing and reading, cooking for the family.. and having Heidi eat for me.., I cannot speak tonight. Luckily I have very able sons.
Heidi Bug was a daughter I never had..she was smart, for example getting her masters, CPA and almost having Shelby at the same time. Heidi was always thinking of others..For example..She wanted me to get special flowers for her dear friend Kate. I showed them to her in her bed this Tuesday afternoon, although she was very, very weak, she smiled and said, "Thank you, Oma "...her last words to me.
Besides thinking of others, Heidi was Sporty too..playing tennis in the sunlight...Fun Loving...Dancing to Hawaiian music and planning Rachel's Hawaiian Birthday Party...But most of all, Heidi Bug was Caring..CARING for my wonderful son Bill and CARING for her lovely daughters, Shelby, Rachel and Jillian. Opa and I have good memories of Heidi..tennis, ski trips, painting, working together around the house. We will certainly miss her smile and cheerful attitude. We loved her very much. Oma and Opa
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