I peel myself off the white shower pan
wondering how much of the water that went down the drain is diluted by the salt from my eyes.
I shave the gray from my face and marvel at the color of my eyes in the mirror...red from beer and pain.
I look at shoulders, ripped from carrying, like my heart.
Thankful for this life
Thankful for the times I have had with my beautiful wife.
Thankful for freinds
Thankful for family
Thankful for new love and the promise of a future unwritten that mends.
Thankful for people that bring a voice to a disease with no survivors
Wondering when I will be able to speak of it again.
Wondering when the darkness of the day will lift and the stars of the night will shine again.
Yes, Thankful for this life
Sometimes ready to live it, sometimes wanting to fall back down on the shower pan and let the water flow until the tanks have gone cold.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone, be there for those you love.
B.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
More amazing art...
This from my friend Kassi, who's mom died of ALS and who's sister died in a tragic car accident a few years later, in 2005. She wrote this on her sister's memorial page, I share it with her permission.
I have amazing friends...what else can I say?
=======
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
-Kassi Kosydar Figueroa
I have amazing friends...what else can I say?
=======
You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.
-Kassi Kosydar Figueroa
Good stuff!
A friend sent this to my mom. If we all saluted the dawn like this and lived by this "motto" the world would be a much better place.
Great stuff...
Salutation To The Dawn
Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence:
The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendor of achievement,
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is just a vision,
And today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day!
Such is the salutation to the dawn.
--Kalidasa
My message for the day...
Let go of your anger or it will consume you. I have been to the dark places and I don't ever want to go there again.
If you are there, let go or be consumed...it is your choice but I will not join you.
The time is now. This life waits for no one.
Love,
B.
Great stuff...
Salutation To The Dawn
Look to this day!
For it is life, the very life of life.
In its brief course
Lie all the verities and realities of your existence:
The bliss of growth,
The glory of action,
The splendor of achievement,
For yesterday is but a dream
And tomorrow is just a vision,
And today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness
And every tomorrow a vision of hope.
Look well, therefore to this day!
Such is the salutation to the dawn.
--Kalidasa
My message for the day...
Let go of your anger or it will consume you. I have been to the dark places and I don't ever want to go there again.
If you are there, let go or be consumed...it is your choice but I will not join you.
The time is now. This life waits for no one.
Love,
B.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Through it all
Through it all
Through the darkness that rolls off the mountains and bears down on my heart like a vise.
Through the opaque fog so thick that blinking eyes see only shades of gray.
Through the pain that pierces my heart and fills my eyes; white hot, lingering, then gone.
Through the throbbing ache of a thousand days of wasting muscle and fading dreams
A light shines.
It is you.
------------------
Thank you.
I love you.
=============
Bill
Through the darkness that rolls off the mountains and bears down on my heart like a vise.
Through the opaque fog so thick that blinking eyes see only shades of gray.
Through the pain that pierces my heart and fills my eyes; white hot, lingering, then gone.
Through the throbbing ache of a thousand days of wasting muscle and fading dreams
A light shines.
It is you.
------------------
Thank you.
I love you.
=============
Bill
Sunday, November 8, 2009
The Letting Go...
Sorry I have been dark for a while...dealing with my feelings and just FEELING my last days in Hawaii pulled me away from sharing with all of you. The last three weeks of my life have been some of the most amazing days of it so far. If you know me, you know that there have been a disproportionate amount of amazing times, so I guarantee you that that is saying something.
Saturday the 24th of October, 2009 was a day that will live in my heart forever. It was 16 years to the day that Heidi and I were married and spoke our vows in front of family and friends. I did not spend much time planning for it, but it came together perfectly, which I sort of now have come to expect with regard to these things. Heidi and I, we ran the spectrum... for poorer or richer, in sickness and in health. These things always mean something to those that speak them but we have lived them to extremes that I hope no-one ever should. Or maybe the extremes were a blessing to us too. I don't know.
There have been SO many things that have helped me through this, some emotional, some physical and some just examples of pure love flowing our direction.
The latter of those things is immeasurable..so many people have sent sentiments and wishes, good vibes and prayers, that I can never repay them (you). People have contributed money and time to our trip and to fixing up our home so that I did not have to deal with it. Again, I can not thank you enough. I felt an enormous drive to share with you the experience we had in letting Heidi go. When we returned from the boat ride to release her ashes, I NEEDED to post the pictures and share the story as much as I could on that day, because you WERE included in the events, your spirits and well wishes were there and the positive energy that was directed toward us manifested itself in the moments that passed on that boat. I don't know how to describe it any better or differently than that.
That day was huge for me. It was the end of a long journey. I had decided it was the last day I would wear our wedding ring. It was a harder day for me than the day of the funeral when I spoke for a long time to hundreds of people. All I said before I let her ashes go in to that beautiful azure water were these words, but I could barely get them out.
"Girls, this is where your mommy and I met. This is where we fell in love and this is where she wanted to be let go. She will always be here for you, whenever you want her. She loves you very much."
We recited the Lords prayer and had a moment of silence on the water. With that, I passed her ashes to each of them and let them, if they wanted to, hug those remains. I took them, kissed them, said goodbye, opened the bag and began to pour. The plume opened up in front of us in a beautiful cascade of sunlight and contrast. The cloud made shapes and sunk in various speeds that made the patterns look almost surreal. The lightest dust floated on the surface with the flower pedals that that the girls, family and friends threw out. It was awesome.
As we slowly circled the ever expanding flower pedals, a large sea bird flew over and inspected our little flotilla. She looked at us and the flowers and made a slow circle herself. We could all feel Heidi's presence as we seemed to feel the the "OK" sign and a feeling of serenity passed over me in a way that is difficult to describe. The beauty of those moments will live in my heart forever.
Many of you have sheltered me from as much pain as you could possibly have. There is pain that no-one can take away. Pain that I, we, have to go through regardless of anything else, but that pain is productive towards a new life and I feel it every day, knowing a new life is already here in some ways. I hope you will too.
Thank you and good night.
Peace.
B.
PS, I continue to read the stories of my friends and connections dealing with ALS and my heart continues to go out to you. Be strong. I love you guys and so much know how you feel. There is some light there for you even if you can't see it today. I promise.
Saturday the 24th of October, 2009 was a day that will live in my heart forever. It was 16 years to the day that Heidi and I were married and spoke our vows in front of family and friends. I did not spend much time planning for it, but it came together perfectly, which I sort of now have come to expect with regard to these things. Heidi and I, we ran the spectrum... for poorer or richer, in sickness and in health. These things always mean something to those that speak them but we have lived them to extremes that I hope no-one ever should. Or maybe the extremes were a blessing to us too. I don't know.
There have been SO many things that have helped me through this, some emotional, some physical and some just examples of pure love flowing our direction.
The latter of those things is immeasurable..so many people have sent sentiments and wishes, good vibes and prayers, that I can never repay them (you). People have contributed money and time to our trip and to fixing up our home so that I did not have to deal with it. Again, I can not thank you enough. I felt an enormous drive to share with you the experience we had in letting Heidi go. When we returned from the boat ride to release her ashes, I NEEDED to post the pictures and share the story as much as I could on that day, because you WERE included in the events, your spirits and well wishes were there and the positive energy that was directed toward us manifested itself in the moments that passed on that boat. I don't know how to describe it any better or differently than that.
That day was huge for me. It was the end of a long journey. I had decided it was the last day I would wear our wedding ring. It was a harder day for me than the day of the funeral when I spoke for a long time to hundreds of people. All I said before I let her ashes go in to that beautiful azure water were these words, but I could barely get them out.
"Girls, this is where your mommy and I met. This is where we fell in love and this is where she wanted to be let go. She will always be here for you, whenever you want her. She loves you very much."
We recited the Lords prayer and had a moment of silence on the water. With that, I passed her ashes to each of them and let them, if they wanted to, hug those remains. I took them, kissed them, said goodbye, opened the bag and began to pour. The plume opened up in front of us in a beautiful cascade of sunlight and contrast. The cloud made shapes and sunk in various speeds that made the patterns look almost surreal. The lightest dust floated on the surface with the flower pedals that that the girls, family and friends threw out. It was awesome.
As we slowly circled the ever expanding flower pedals, a large sea bird flew over and inspected our little flotilla. She looked at us and the flowers and made a slow circle herself. We could all feel Heidi's presence as we seemed to feel the the "OK" sign and a feeling of serenity passed over me in a way that is difficult to describe. The beauty of those moments will live in my heart forever.
Many of you have sheltered me from as much pain as you could possibly have. There is pain that no-one can take away. Pain that I, we, have to go through regardless of anything else, but that pain is productive towards a new life and I feel it every day, knowing a new life is already here in some ways. I hope you will too.
Thank you and good night.
Peace.
B.
PS, I continue to read the stories of my friends and connections dealing with ALS and my heart continues to go out to you. Be strong. I love you guys and so much know how you feel. There is some light there for you even if you can't see it today. I promise.
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