Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Serial Killer

I had a dream the other night that was very frightening. I don't usually have nightmares, and the dreams that I do remember are generally just sort of strange and confusing. Normally, if I have a nightmare, I usually wind up kicking the ass of whatever was scaring me in the dream and emerge triumphant over the evil that was my nemesis in it. This has been the case for most of my life and therefore, I generally wake up from dreams feeling more a sense of relief and power than dread.

This was not the case the other night. I had a very realistic dream that involved a full on serial killer with a very sharp knife and a very bad attitude. There was a garage with a doggy door that was large enough for him to get through and I knew who he was and I knew that he was coming. I stood there in the door with one of my daughters as I watched him struggle through and emerge into the garage with his knife flashing. My daughter was scared, but I wasn't. I said "watch this" and the next thing you know, a bolt of lightening or something literally vaporized this serial killer into a bunch of ribbons and rainbows in a Disneylike cascade of shimmering gold sparks.

Normally, this would be the end of my dream. But it wasn't. The thing that woke me up in horror was that almost immediately after the light show was over, the doggy door flapped and the head of the serial killer popped through it again. This time with a really pissed off look on his face and my confidence had gone. This was the moment I woke up and the horror on his face, a foreshadowing of the horror he would reap on my family, was the horror I felt when I woke up.

As I lay there in that state of carnal fear, my heart racing, my muscles tense with anxiety, I began to realize that I was not in immediate danger of being sliced to ribbons by a knife wielding killer, but that the face of horror that I saw was the face of ALS and that it's recurrence was the manifestation of the fact that there is nothing that I or anyone can do to help my family, or any of the families that are suffering through this insufferable evil.

ALS is the perfect serial killer. We know it is out there. It gets some publicity. It leaves nothing for the "cops" (i.e. Dr's) to work with in terms of evidence. It strikes without warning. It causes immense fear and suffering before it's work is done. There is no way to stop it. There is no way to even cause its delay. It is the face of fear and all of us should fear it.

This is a villain who's ass I cannot kick. In my heart I know that, and that is why I could not beat it in my dream. All I can do is count on God to give me strength, my friends to support us and the cause, and medical scientists to continue to work to find a cure that will do what I can't do myself...put the serial killer out of this world forever.

Its not a fun place to be as a man. Our job is to fix things, to bring prosperity and protection to the family. To guarantee the safety of those that count on us. This I cannot do.

To have no power over this is the worst thing I can imagine, except to have it. That suffering I have to leave to my beautiful wife, which is also completely and totally unconscionable.

I continue to be humbled by your thoughts, prayers and support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am running on empty, but the strength that I get from you, my friends and family fills my tank every day to the point that keeps me going. These are the things that Rock so hard, that re-inforce my faith and help me believe that this is only the beginning for my family.

Feel my arms around you right now.
Thank you.

1 comment:

  1. Know that you guys are in my prayers. Sometimes it is hard to turn over our battles to God but as you know, that is what He wants from us. Take care.